Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is said to be the act of extending compassion to the self when there is perceived failure, suffering or inadequacy. Gilbert (2009) defines compassion as a basic kindness and deep awareness of suffering and the desire and effort to relieve it. Compassion flows from oneself to others, from others to self, and from self to self [Gilbert, 2009; Neff, 2003b].

The compassion that we base our caring-for-self resources on this website is the notion of compassion for one’s self: a non-judgemental acknowledgement of one’s suffering, with a response that is self-motivated and self-directed, borne out of “kindness, concern and support” [Gilbert 2009]. It entails having a desire for one’s well-being and gently and patiently encouraging actions that result in “optimal functioning and health” [Neff, 2003a]. We take this further and remove the restrictions of it being extended only when there are perceived deficiencies or there is suffering.

Self-compassion and self-nurturing are fundamental to managing your withdrawal effectively. Many of us learn to self-nurture, self-soothe, and to be compassionate with ourselves and our bodies during withdrawal, out of necessity… almost by default. I think there is so much pain, that even if you are fortunate to have people around you who give you ample affection and care for you, the experience is so intense and often brutal, and the need for additional care so overwhelming, one inevitably has to learn to care for one’s self.

It is a skill that can be learned by anyone, but if your childhood was void of compassion or if you had parental messages (from authoritative figures in your life) that said you weren’t lovable, the whole concept may make you feel resistant, embarrassed even. Once you start practising self-compassion, things begin to change in your life.

Now, it is important to note that self-compassion is different to self-pity where you believe yourself to be a victim and that you are lacking in the ability to cope. When you practise self-compassion you actually feel emotionally stronger and more resilient and you recover quicker from adversity, from personal attacks, self-blame for seeming mistakes, and other situations where you previously may have beat yourself up.

To start, begin to listen to your internal dialogue. How often do you repeat the scolding words you heard as a child: “I am so silly,” or “I am such an idiot!” What would you say to a dear friend if you overheard him or her speaking like that? All that is required of you is to recognize that you deserve compassion, and from yourself too. This is where it begins.

This is very profound, emotive and life-changing work which I absolutely love.

Here are two exercises to get you started:

(1) If you notice you are being harsh to yourself, without self-blame you gently ask yourself what would you say to someone you cared deeply about, who came to you for comfort. Start to speak to yourself that way and do it as often as you are in awareness and able to. For example, let’s say you made a mistake and you found yourself saying, “I’m such an idiot!” You would say instead something like: “Of course, you’re not. We all make mistakes. You are smart and sensible”…. or anything that you comes naturally to you that is loving and caring. And you continue to speak to yourself lovingly, contradicting any childhood messages. You practise complimenting yourself as well, so that hearing good things about yourself becomes the norm. This is really good to start doing right away.

(2) Hug yourself. This is a special kind of hug that you can use to comfort yourself. It will soothe you and is great to use when the symptoms are intense or if you feel isolated and hurting. I used this with my rape and sexual abuse clients to do our “vulnerable child” work. It is not a variation of the EMDR Butterfly (which I discovered after).

Here it is:

1. 1. First, take a few slow breaths, feeling your stomach rising as you breathe in and falling as you breathe out.
   2. Cross your forearms over your chest and rest your hands on your arms, so the right hand will be resting on the left arm and the left hand will be holding the right arm.
   3. Notice the feel of your hand on your arm and the sensation where they connect.
   4. Then use your hands to stroke your arms up and down, in the same way you would if you were stroking a child or anyone you loved dearly.
   5. Tell yourself something loving and encouraging, similar to what you would say to a beloved child or a dear friend. I sometimes say, “It’s okay, my darling. You’re okay. Everything is going to be okay.” Just whatever comes naturally to you. If you have thoughts, that’s normal.  Just observe them; don’t try to make them go away, and go back to saying soothing things to yourself.

This is a wonderful technique. I also use it in my withdrawal support work, and it is especially effective when someone has terror or bad agitation/akathisia, because they are able to do it while rocking back and forth.

So this is the beginning of our self-compassion work. This is my baby. There is nothing I enjoy more than seeing the amazing results that self-compassion work can bring.  Enjoy using this powerful technique!

To start your Self-Compassion journey, why not try our Self-Compassion six-lesson course? Please see links below.

References:

Gilbert P. Introducing compassion-focused therapy. Adv Psychiatr Treat. 2009;15(3):199–208.

Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. Constable &
Robinson.

Neff, K. D. (2003a). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward
oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85–102.

Neff, K. D. (2003b). The development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and
Identity, 2, 223–250.