Now that you have been practising self-compassion for a while, you may be seeing changes or you may have noticed resistance. In this lesson we will review some of what we have learned so far about what Self-Compassion is and we will also address any confusion or doubts that may have arisen during your weeks of practice.
Brief Course Review
We know that it is the act of extending compassion to yourself in times of suffering or when you feel inadequate or that you have failed. We know that the three main components identified by Kristin Neff, creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion Program are:
1) self-kindness as opposed to self-judgment,
2) knowing that suffering is a human experience and does not just happen to you and
3) observing and being mindfully aware of your thoughts and emotions.
Added to the above is the importance of what I believe underlies all other components, and this is the nurturing of the child within or the inner child – the aspect of our psyche that retains the feelings we experienced in childhood – which can range from normal everyday playfulness, wonder, joy, sensitivity and innocence to trauma, hurt, anger and fears, and that as adults we are encouraged to “grow up” and to ignore the child within.
Now we will look at what Self-Compassion is not
Self-compassion is often misunderstood. People mistake it for self-pity, self-indulgence or even egoism. In this lesson we will examine how we can misunderstand true self-compassion in terms of what it is not. We will then look at the ways in which practising self-compassion can influence, and what to do about it.
Self-Compassion is not Egoism
Egoism is defined as a preoccupation with oneself, but not necessarily feeling superior to others (as in the case of egotism). Spending time being compassionate towards yourself doesn’t mean that you are preoccupied with yourself, at least not in a negative way. You are focussing on nurturing yourself, on acknowledging your worth, on validating your feelings, and on doing whatever you can to be kind to yourself.
Self-Compassion is not Self-Pity
The more self-compassionate you become, the less pity you will feel for yourself. You will spend less time focussing on your problems and will feel less depressed about your situation. You will be able to observe what is happening and validate your feelings with nurturing, and without feeling isolated or like a victim. You will feel empowered to effect changes and not be in helpless, victim mode (which self-pity encourages).
Self-Compassion is not Self-Indulgence
Contrary to the belief that self-compassion means over indulging and allowing bad habits (like overeating and drug-taking), what it does is actually the opposite. First of all, if the person does have a habit that is causing harm, practising self-compassion will allow them to be gentle with themselves and also to be proactive about changing the habits. Always, with self-compassion, comes a tendency to do all the things that will benefit one’s body and mind. The more self-compassionate you are, the more motivated you will be to do things that promote personal growth and enhance wellness and well-being.
Self-Compassion is different to Self-Esteem
Self-compassion is not self-esteem but the practice of it certainly increases self-esteem. The more one is compassionate to one’s self, the greater the increase in confidence in one’s own worth or abilities. For some people, self-esteem is dependent on achievements and goals being achieved and this can result in pressure to perform and attain goals. Self-compassion, on the other hand, will make you gentler and kinder to yourself whenever you make a mistake or there is a perceived failure.
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I hope this lesson has helped to clarify any misunderstandings or doubts and that you feel ready to continue to introduce and maintain habits that make you feel loved. In our final lesson you will have the opportunity to do a short, simple quiz to check your memory and your knowledge! Good luck!
Sincerely,
