Welcome to Lesson #4 of your Self-Compassion Course!
This lesson is about putting what you are learning into action. First there is an audio introduction to the lesson, followed by the written content. I hope you will enjoy Lesson #4.
The healing that is taking place and will continue to take place long after you complete this course (if you remain in awareness and practice the exercises) can be profound. It is all about acting on what you are learning… acting compassionately towards yourself.
Even if you are gaining understanding, it is important to begin to practice taking loving action. If the vulnerable Child within you wants recognition, compassion, safe boundaries, healing, or even to learn to play again, it is not enough to know this. You need to act on what you are learning or your Child will feel unheard, unloved and unfulfilled.
This action goes beyond positive self-talk and affirming. Love is a verb. If you look in the mirror and tell your Child, “I love you” but do nothing to show him or her, your Child will not believe you. Your positive self-talk and affirmations will mean very little if there is no action to back it up. It is time for you to use your Nurturing Parent or Healthy Adult to act on behalf of your Child – to make your Child feel loved.
If at first you feel resistance against taking compassionate action, this is normal and it will be an act of self-compassion to observe your reactions without judging and without self-blame. See this as an opportunity to be gentle and loving with yourself.
But you must also remain in awareness, as much as possible, of your inner dialogue, self-criticism and other non-loving ways in which you treat yourself. Only with acknowledgment of your unloving choices and actions will you be able to choose to act differently… compassionately.
To act self-compassionately you will need to prioritize what you have already been doing: working on letting go of any judgments you may have been noticing since you started this course, including any critical statements from parents, teachers, pastors, coaches and other authority figures. One effective way of doing this is to not accept these statements as true, as your truth, but instead to “give them back” – “This is your stuff, not mine.” Again, this is done gently.
For example: “I am such an idiot. I forgot to…. Typical me! I messed up again.”
To be replaced by: “It’s okay, I know where that came from. Or rather I know “who” that came from. I am sorry, my darling Child. I am a wise, sensible person. We are wise. We are sensible.” … or something similar – whatever words resonate with you.
To act compassionately towards yourself you will need to accept all aspects of yourself: the angry you, the hurt you, the shamed you, the scared you, the resentful you. You will need to love and accept these vulnerable parts of you. This is an important part of being self-compassionate. If you ever felt that having any of these emotions made you unlovable or not worthy, allow your compassion for yourself to make you accept these parts of you. It doesn’t matter what the aspects are, what caused them, etc., the most important thing is to not use them to deprive yourself of the love you so very much deserve.
Self-compassionate action also involves being able to embrace not only the vulnerable parts of you but also embracing any painful feelings that you may have about your life and your experiences, and doing so with deep acceptance and compassion rather than avoiding them. This includes your withdrawal experience and all the losses and pain that you have been enduring. It is validating to acknowledge the pain and to soothe and nurture yourself in as many ways as you can find. Your Child needs this.
Here are some ways in which you can act lovingly towards yourself:
– Learn how to not take the behaviour of others personally. Recognize that you are not responsible for the opinions and baggage that other people may bring to your relationship and try to project on to you.
– If others around you behave unlovingly and treat you with disrespect, gently disengage and remove yourself from the interaction, as much as you are able to. For example, someone is shouting at you on the phone. Without raising your voice, you say: “I am going to hang up now. I won’t be spoken to like this. Goodbye” and you hang up.
– Having balanced friendships is another way of caring for yourself. If the interaction is draining and you are the one who is always giving support, always listening, then you need to re-evaluate that friendship and decide whether you want it to continue.
– Be aware of when a spouse, partner or someone else who is close to you starts blaming or judging you. Don’t get caught up in trying to justify your actions or in validating yourself. Again, gently disengage… walk away. If the issue is important, share that your intent is to engage when the person is open to caring rather than judging or blaming. It is important to keep these boundaries, as you practice self-compassion.
– Explore ways of nurturing your body. Eliminate habits, food and substances that are known to be detrimental to your health. Research nutrition, lifestyle, exercise (if you are able to) and experiment with whatever you feel will enhance your wellness and well-being.
Note: If you are in the throes of withdrawal, you may need to wait until you are recovered or mostly recovered before introducing changes that may interfere with your recovery.
– Find ways of recognizing your self-worth and deservedness rather than giving others that responsibility. If you do this long and often enough, it will be very liberating. You will be able to define your worthiness and lovability without relying on others, and their treatment and opinions, to do this for you.
– Focus on being kind to yourself, even if you have to make it almost an obsession. As much as you can, continue to practice what you learned in the earlier lessons and be aware of your inner critic. But don’t judge or blame yourself if you slip up. Changes take time and loving persistence, so if you go to default mode at times, just gently acknowledge it and then shower yourself with compassion! 🙂
There is no right or wrong way to do this lesson. It is okay if you think the timing is not right and that you would rather wait before facing any pain, fear, isolation or any other reason that you may not be ready to take compassionate action. The most important thing is that you accept how you feel and that you do not judge yourself. You can return to this lesson when you feel ready.
If you are ready to take compassionate action, I am very pleased for you. It is one of the best things you can do to connect with and nurture your Child and to let him or her know that you are listening, you are hearing, and you are understanding. Your Child will begin to believe that s/he is lovable, deserving, and most worthy of compassion. It will be wonderful, and the responses you notice will make you enthusiastic and more than ready to continue this journey to self-love, self-compassion, and the healing of your vulnerable Inner Child.
